The AAlgar Corporation > About Us

Who Are We? Simply put, The AAlgar Corporation is an exciting new paradigm in e-commerce. We deliver quality real-time business solutions which are not only dynamic and user-friendly, but also competitive and highly, highly proactive (see below). In short, we're everything you need us to be... and more! Corporate Philosophy The AAlgar Corporation is founded upon the concepts of quality, integrity and, above all, profitability. Through the enactment of policies that are both dynamic and proactive, it is our hope that we can deliver quality solutions to the consumer at a nominally lower price than our competitors. To do this, we have founded our company upon three essential pillars: Teamwork The road to success starts with a team-minded approach, and while The AAlgar Corporation presently employs only one person, we are, in theory, not opposed to the idea of teamwork. What better way to promote effective customer solutions than to force every employee to fit together in a unified whole, obliterating any form of individual personality? Commitment to People Our vision is firmly entrenched in the results we produce for the people we serve. Your opinion of us is of crucial importance, because we realize that without you (the customer), we cannot achieve our primary goal (the acquisition of your money). Is there anything you think we could do better? Don't hesitate to contact us! Only by bowing to your every need— no matter how seemingly inconsequential— can we ever hope to achieve our ultimate goal: total saturation of all markets. Proactivity Other companies may claim to be proactive, but that's because expensive consultants told them that customers connect with the word. Many of these companies don't even know what "proactive" means! The AAlgar Corporation, on the other hand, is seriously committed to being the most proactive organization on the planet. We challenge you to find anyone even half as proactive as we are. In fact, we're so convinced of our proactivity that we'll disband our company and kill every employee if anyone ever proves otherwise! Now that's a commitment! And, above all, that's proactive. What Do We Do? The better question might be "what don't we do?" In its short history, The AAlgar Corporation has tried its hand at a number of consumer outlets, including (but not limited to) electronics, pharmeceuticals, information technology, toys and even charity work. Our commitment to proactivity means that we're determined to give just about any viable market a try. Further, we challenge any of those beaurocratic "anti-trust investigators" to tell us we can't! We're pretty sure the U.S. Constitution doesn't say anything about prohibiting proactivity, so just go back to Washington, you red tape wielding maniacs! And let us run our company in peace. Awards for Excellence The AAlgar Corporation has not, to date, received any awards, but this is in no way indicative of any lack of excellence on their part. Quite the opposite, in fact— the mainstream business world's total disregard for our company and its products is an excellent example of the contempt they hold for our commitment to proactivity. The mainstream business world can be quite the bitter lot. But we don't care. We know you (the customer) love us, and that's all that really matters. That, and our mother insists that we're quite handsome.

Corporate HQ The AAlgar Corporation is located in beautiful scenic St. Mary's County, MD. Our main building, a 21-story skyscraper, was (and remains) the first ever building of its kind in the small town of Lexington Park. So committed are we to helping the community that we didn't even think twice when local business owners requested our presence in the stagnating Wildewood Shopping Center. The AAlgar Corporation's Headquarters Local experts predict that The AAlgar Corporation's presence in said shopping center will not only greatly improve the economy of the outlying region, but it will also give AAlgar Corporation employees someplace to go when they need to buy arts and craft supplies or fishing tackle. Growth Plans Most corporations have long-winded "feel good" mission statements. Not us. Ours is a sparse two sentence proclamation, posted in each and every room of our headquarters: "The AAlgar Corporation will dominate every major consumer market in the United States by the year 2007. If we are unsuccessful by December 31, 2007, we will end our lives to spare ourselves and our descendants the terrible shame of failure." That's it. Simple, but effective. We've obviously got our work cut out for us, so we don't have time to sit around writing up meaningless mission statements for our investors. In fact, AAlgar himself (president, founder and CEO of The AAlgar Corporation) has been known to deliver an even more to-the-point maxim to nosy investors who ask too many questions: "F***k off, creep." Employment Opportunities The AAlgar Corporation is always seeking new employees to exploit toward its own ends. Applicants are encouraged to contact AAlgar for further information. Keep in mind that The AAlgar Corporation is an employee-owned company, and each new hire will be expected to contribute his/her share to the company treasury. Big corporations like ours don't just run themselves, you know. Okay, Let's Get Down to the Real Reason I'm Here... How Can I Buy an iTari?? Simple. Just send $299.99 (cash only, U.S. currency, preferably small, unmarked bills) to: I.M. Gullible c/o S. Claus North Pole 90210 Please allow 46 weeks for delivery. The AAlgar Corporation is not responsible for lost or damaged shipments, nor for your obviously impaired sense of reality and/or humor.