Metallica frontman James Hetfield, 36, has been forced to endure almost unspeakable torment as a result of the Napster threat. Hetfield's love for hunting has led to the creation of one of the largest personal arsenals since the Branch Davidians, a collection in which he takes great pride.

"Unfortunately," he sobs, "our last album [1999's symphony-enhanced S&M] only sold about five million copies, so I couldn't keep up with the guns like I used to. Ted Nugent came to my house and laughed his ass off! I mean, f***in' Ted Nugent, man! One of my kids was in the room, and I'm sure he saw the whole thing. Watching your own dad get f***in' ridiculed by a rock god can't be good for your self-esteem."

Wistfully, Hetfield adds, "F***in' Napster, man. F***in' c***s."

Thirty-eight year-old Kirk Hammett, lead guitarist for Metallica, has seen his own share of Napster-related hardship. Hammett, whose heavy and complex riffs form the backbone of Metallica's top-notch metal sound, has been forced to reevaluate his own choice of recreational activity— binge drinking.

"Before all this Napster s***, I could get through a case of vodka in a week, easy. Now that we're looking at losing a few thousand dollars in record sales, I might have to start stockpiling the s***. Sure, a couple thousand might not seem like a lot right now, but what happens when it turns into lots of thousands? Or even a million? I'm only worth, like, 37 million. I don't know if I could stand to fall to 36."

Bassist Jason Newsted, 37, has been hit a little differently by the Napster crisis. Newsted, who took over for the late Cliff Burton in 1987, feels that perhaps Burton would still be alive today if not for Napster.

"It's not that I don't appreciate this gig, because I do," he says. "But a lot of people out there really respected Cliff, including me. As much as I love playing bass for Metallica, I can't help thinking how different things might have been if Cliff were still alive."

"Oh, and I think Napster killed him," he adds hastily.

Perhaps most affected by Napster's appalling exploitation is Metallica's drummer, thirty-six year-old Lars Ulrich. Ulrich hails from a wealthy family in Denmark and was being groomed for superstardom on the international tennis circuit before he bailed out for the leather and studs of the early 80s metal scene.

"It took a long time to build back up to the life I was used to," he says between bites of Beluga caviar. "I mean, I wasn't able to buy a proper mansion till after Master of Puppets [1987]. And even then I couldn't fill it with the kind of stuff I wanted— Olympic swimming pools, Porsches, etc.— for a long time. We had to make a conscious effort to sell out [with 1991's eponymous Metallica] for me to finally return to status quo.

"And now these Napster a**holes want to take that away from me. Well, f*** them."

Save the Rock Stars is a non-profit organization established to assist rock stars in need. Wherever the excessive lifestyle of a rock musician is threatened, Save the Rock Stars will be there. Save the Rock Stars is a division of The AAlgar Corporation and is in no way affiliated with Sally Struthers.